Move it or Lose it.

Hello to all you slow walkers, wanderers and dawdlers out there. PLEASE GET OUT OF MY WAY! Now I don’t know about you but when I’m walking it’s generally because I want to get somewhere. On time. If I wanted to ‘go for a walk’ then I would go to the fucking countryside with a dog. You don’t need a car to get road rage.

There appears to be several different categories of slow walkers: Firstly, you’ve got the golden oldies. They actually can’t help it because they’re nearly 80 and their hips don’t swivel like they used to. I have the most patience with this type. I’m always a bit wary when I overtake them too and tend to approach it the same way as I would a horse (extremely wide berth, those things have legs that kick!) as I don’t want them to think I’m going to attack them. Oh look at her, isn’t she sweet. What a lovely little old lady. That’s probably what most people think but all I see is a slow moving blockage in aisle ten. Sorry if that’s your grandma, but she’s slow. Too slow to be walking the streets during lunch hour holding up the rest of the world trying to grab a sandwich. She would not last 10 minutes on the streets of London.

Mothers with buggies. And their snotty offspring who, although I’m pretty sure can only see legs in their eyeline, still insist on running towards said legs at any opportunity. I get that they are entitled to shop just as much as the rest of us, but they need to show some consideration for others around them! One time I witnessed a woman walking with her toddler 100m apart from each other down the high street. Nobody wanted to walk through the gap for fear of breaking the invisible bond between mother and child and so about 20 people all held back while little Albert toddled down the hill.

Tourists. I understand that if you’re exploring an area you want to take your time and really soak everything up. However, my patience wears thin when I’m trying to get past 10-15 foreign students taking photo’s of a brick wall. It’s like weaving through zombies except that instead of bites I’m more wary of huge rucksacks and cameras.

The undecided. Dealing with this type requires you to morph into some sort of pavement ninja. They’re unpredictable and can stop to lie their laces or change direction at any time. Possibly the most irritating as because they fit into the crowd they can go undetected until BAM you walk into them.

So there you have it. Please show a little consideration for others when you’re walking around, if you can’t handle the pace of the street then move to the slow lane at the side. Check your blind spots before you change direction and keep small children with you at all times. Rant over.